WHAT-I’M NOT DEAD YET?

30 06 2009

Some days the severe pain creeps up on me when I’m working or out and about.  I have a handy-dandy remote control unit that goes with my pump for chronic pancreatitis. It’s a lot like the controller you’d get in the hospital to give yourself a dose of morphine.  The great thing is that the remote & pump delivers such a tiny amount but it’s highly localized to give the medication just to my pancreas and nowhere else (liver, brain, memory, etc.).  If the remote is making a big enough dent then I take the regular type of meds – in this case percoset and levorphenol.  I’m only allowed 2 percosets a day so I have to be frugal and watchful of my intake. But enough about the medical side of my life – let’s get into what I am really writing about.

I truly can’t believe that with all of my close calls in the ER that I am still here.  It seems astonishing to me.  But on bad days when the pain is out of control and I’m feeling tired and grumpy I feel like such a burden to those around me.

Although I’ve gotten my pain mostly under control (which is a miracle in itself) I still haven’t gotten my life back together.  I feel like such a drain on those that love me.  I rarely want to talk on the phone and even more rare to feel like I can conquer my stacks of paperwork or email.  I simply don’t have the energy.  Between fighting off the RA symptoms and pancreatitis pain, I simply don’t have the energy to make new friends and go out to new events.  I know the events are there for me to attend  – but I can’t get the stamina I need to leave work and attend a function.  And since Jax split up with me I haven’t had a chance to make new friends.  It’s awful and i feel so damn lonely.  I curse my health issues and scream inside my head at god.  Lately I’ve been thinking how funny it is that we often pretend that if god was walking here among us that he/she would be a homeless street man.  If god has any wits he/she’d be living it up as a billionaire.

I’m on the wait list to start the outpatient day group for depression and anxiety.  I really need some new skills/tools on how to live my life in this scaled down way.  I find I get angry to quickly when someone cancels plans on me.  I simply don’t know how to live in this scaled down way.  I used to be able to get so much done in a day  – now I am lucky if I accomplish one single thing.  Plus, now I can’t seem to stay asleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I messes me all up  – but it is usually the pin that wakes me up.

So the mental health hospital program is supposed to arm me with tools to get by a bit easier. As some of my readers know, I’ve been battling with severe depression for almost a year now.  It’s odd because I’ve gotten my pain mostly under some sort of control, but I simply can’t function correctly right now and every bit of sad news or new diagnosis sends me off the deep end to think about being gone/dead. If I’m not careful I find myself cutting into my own skin (when i was a teenager i used to be a “cutter” so it’s bringing up some old garbage in my mind).  It’s a release of sorts and sends the pain signal to a different part of my body so I get a little break, albeit a disturbing one.

Apparently, it’s not that ucommon to have these issues now that I’ve gotten my pain to a more liveable level.  So i’m certainly not alone…but I don’t get why…. I mean- if  was able to conquer that type of brutal pain – why is it only now that I don’t have the right coping tools? Mainly I feel lonely because I was bedridden essentially for so long that I lost most of my friends/acquaintances.    IT’S SO UPSETTING/sad that I just can’t seem to get through it.

I have made lists of new events and workshops I’d like to go to – but the reality is that it is not very easy for me to go – often I am not well enough.  The times i have broken through the anguish part of it and gone  –  I’ve ended up at the event stuck in the bathroom in an all-out-battle with my bowels.  (I still have a lot of bathrooom issues due to the meds that I take.  I totally accept that this is my life now – so it really is okay with me.  But sometimes I just have a real hard time actually dealing with it.

Love Sasha. xoxoxo

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