I’VE GONE CRAZY

20 07 2009

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That’s right. I’ve felt decent for the past 3 days and have used all of my energy doing the following.  If I had this much energy everyday I could actually change the world.  I used to have this much energy and it makes me simply cry to know it is only on rare occasions now.  So here goes:

1. I started the Los Angeles/ Hollywood Chronic Pain Support Group and set our first meetup as August 2nd, 2009@6:30pm – Everyone welcome. Simply signup and RSVP.

2. Started my new Twitter Account for TypeAwithRA.

Join me on twitter and let me know if you’d like to link up.

3. Started a new group on Illness Twitters.  Not entirely certain of how it all works yet – but here is the link in case you are curious.  Visit Illness Twitters

3a. Clearly avoiding thoughts about something important – ah yes – my severe depression/anxiety that started all as a result of getting so sick, my life falling to shambles and facing the possibility that I have to abandon my life’s dreams.

4.  Finished 2 client projects and only have 4 more to go to get caught up.  I also tackle major stacks of paperwork including bills, health insurance/medical paperwork I need to turn in to try to get financial aide for my health insurance.  If it works I will then post a bit about the process I went through, but so far it is not a yellow brick road.

5. Avoided completing my SSI paperwork.   <<Read on for more on getting or not getting on SSI, an assistant, so many losses due to this disease! and starting day 1 at a mental health program for severe depression >>… I am desperately in need of getting on SSI/SSDI but the reality is that the paperwork will take so long to fill out.  I’ve decided it might be better for me to catch on some very urgent documents first.

6.  Hired a new assistant.   – This is far more complex then it may seem.  I used to own and run a company with 7 employees.  I closed my entire operation 1 year ago almost due to my mounting list of chronic diseases.  I did not have the energy required, but more importantly, I could not work on enough client projects to keep up with the bills.  I had to let everyone go.  It was beyond heartbreaking.  It seems/s like many f my dreams had crashed and burned.  Now i feel like I have a tiny bit more energy than before so I am trying out the idea of a new assistant.  If you’ve never had one you might think – awesome – I would get so much done with an assistant – why the heck is this crazy Bi—atch complaining??? Well… the reality of things is always so different than the surface might appear.  Having an asst. means that you have to prepare the work they’ll need to accomplish each day.  Also, you have to have the energy to train them properly.  Plus, if you’re not paying them very much then they are generally very new to the workplace and have to learn basic office skills under you.  All in all it’s exhausting, but it is true that you’re able to get much more done if you manage them correctly.

7. And finally, I spent all day with Jax.  At fist I was crying my eyes out over brunch.  Today was the very first time I knew a woman had stayed over his place since we split up.  It’s been almost a year so of course he’s allowed.  But I felt like a total inconvenience on his life by having him go to brunch with me rather than her.

7a. today was an important day because tomorrow I start going to a partial hospitalization program at a mental health hospital.  WHY, you might ask?  Are you crazy? you might ask. Possibly – but the real reason why is for depression/anxiety.  Over the past few years I’ve been diagnosed with so many diseases and have been plagued by so many health issues that my psychologist thinks I had a mental breakdown in January.  It literally became far too much for me.  I felt like I lost everything as a result.  I lost Jax probably for good.  I lost my career, my company, my team, my physical body that was frankly hot before I had to take prednisone – and so much more.  I felt like I lost sooooo much that I wanted to be dead so many times this year and can’t understand how I lived through some of the drives to the emergency room.  It’s like I’m still in shock that I’m alive – but I’ve only woken up to part of my life.   The other part – the part I felt defined me – is gone.

7b. Given that the mental health program starts tomorrow, Jax wanted/s to be sure I get going on the right foot.  Before we headed out for brunch he was making me wait a very, very long time which had already alerted me that something was up  – but I thought he texted me to come over and when I did he ran to the door in his undies (clearly a tactic to get me not to enter further) – but little did he know that the girl had left her shoes under the table directly visible from his back door.  Just to be sure, I asked to see something necessary inside his backdoor on our way out.  The shoes were gone.  I KNOW!! I SHOULD GET OVER JAX IMMEDIATELY!!! What am i doing/thinking???

7c. This is what I am doing/thinking:  Jax was/is the love of my life and I lost him to my fuc…ing diseases!!! Truly – and not kidding.  Jax has always been a better than good man to me.   He moved to LA from NYC to live with me 5 years ago.  I got sick the 3rd month he lived here and couldn’t leave the hospital for over a month – they did surgery as guess-work until I could leave.  Jax stood by me then and even though we’re not together now  – Jax stands by me just as tall as before.  I don’t know how any couple could’ve made it through what we did.  Truthfully,  Jax hardly knew me when I first got sick!  But he stood by me the whole way AND all the way back around as just friends.  He hasn’t let up on his care or concern.

Also, My family left Jax to deal with it all alone.  They claimed it was to not step on his toes – but that just shows how loopy they are.  They’ve never truly understood what’s going on with me and they all live so far away.  Anyhow, Jax took care of me by himself for 3 years.  It was no easy task!!! This was because i insisted on working myself to death and it nearly worked on a few occasions.  I made a massive project with hundreds of people that I was leading… And people we knew would tell Jax that they would’ve left me long ago if I did “that” to them…meaning that I was unstoppable even if it was killing me.  Eventually, I brought my body to its knees and Jax was there to catch me.  He helped get me back on my feet.  Anyone else would’ve left me for being an idiot – for working until there was nothing left.

Jax stayed with me until I was back on track.  He waited until I’d had 6-8 basically good months in a row with no new diagnosis.  He moved one apartment away.  We see each other a lot, but for the bulk of our time apart as a couple I’ve been severely depressed.   At first it was logical – the notice came out of left field and I was totally IN SHOCK, but that gave way to recovery. No sooner did I recover from that then I visited my family for the holiday – and all hell broke lose!

I had no idea that my family was in 100% absolute total and complete denial that I had anything at all wrong with me other than the grumps and laziness.  (although no one would have ever used the word lazy to describe me in the past).  Maybe that’s not fair to say – it was more like this…my dad felt I should not be working over the holiday (forget that I needed to pay rent) so instead of talking to me like a normal human – he decided to yell and bang and break stuff (my brother’s stuff).  Then they both disowned me (my brother + father).  Over the past few months my dad un-disowned me, but the damage has been done.  He says “You RUINED christmas”.  I ask ,”How?” He says, “you shouldn’t have been working. You should’ve been resting!”  – Oh – so instead of trying to py my rent via working I should have been forced to run all over townwith my family going to museums, coffeehouses, and bookstores?  It’s totally illogical.

Anyhow, I could write about my losses until the cows come home (a southern saying I believe), but it’s time to go to sleep now and get ready for the program tomorrow.

Love,

Sasha xoxoxxo

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