So moving right along with my new style of writing here on my blog – more personal…more details about my real life and how it goes living with chronic pain.
Yesterday marked the end of the 2nd week of the program I’ve been going to. Essentially, it’s a psyc ward – but called partial hospitalization/mental health services. I am not crazy or off my rocker (uh – at east I hope not) but my life had spun completely out of control because I did not know how to deal with living with so many health issues. There are other reasons including the terror I experienced as a kid (literally terror), but the primary background is this: Jax split up with me one year ago almost. I was depressed of course . I had been my primary care taker when things were truly awful, but he had a really tough time transitioning out of that role. Our relationship crashed as a result of both of our issues. Then at Christmastime my family couldn’t deal with the reality of my illnesses at all. They could not se me as a sick person – they couldn’t bear the site of me. My father, whom I love dearly, has been the worst of the lot. He is so out of touch with his emotions (and mine) that he was getting irate with me personally as if i could turn my diseases off and just wouldn’t stop being stubborn. Eventually we had an all out family brawl and I got sent away (Code words for I got cussed out and kicked out by my brother who is totally in denial about my illnesses and he’d rather send me away then deal with it). Before I spent New ears alone in a hotel room in the Washington DC area I fell to my lowest point where I planned out my death. I was on the way to the car rental place when Jax called me back. He talked me off the cliff (not literally, but sorta literally) and I checked into the hotel for a few days. My brother and Po werent able to deal with me and continued to blame me personally for all of the troubles – it is all my fault. I brought this on…and that sort of thing.
My therapist told me I had had a mental breakdown and I don’t disagree this time. It felt cataclismic. My world crumbled. The few people on this earth i thought I could always count on had left me on New Years Eve to be alone. A month later I flew to my folk’s home to confront my dad about the events, but all he could say is how sad he is about my health problems and that I ruined Christmas.
As the months passed I grew closer and closer to the edge again. Nothing could shake me off the deep depression. I’ve lost everything due to this disease (chronic pancreatitis) and that disease (Lupus, RA). Jobs, friends, loads of money, friends, acquaintances, people, strangers, and eventually there was almost no one left. You must be thinking – WoW! She must’ve been a real bitch when she’s in pain – but it isn’t true. They left because they didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to handle any of it.
Finally, I started cutting myself again like I had when i was 14 years old. Jax saved the day. He moved an apartment away. He’s so close yet so far away. I never wanted him to break up with me. I’m not over it because I’m in love with him and the only thing that stood between us was pancreatitis, lupus, RA, and diabetes. But eventually that became many things. My self-esteem was shot (after prednisone adding 50 pounds) and I was not myself.
I know I have to take care of myself first and foremost right now. I know I can’t be in a relationship right now. I know it’s baby steps… but I still am in love with Jax. It’s been 10 months and I haven’t moved on because I believe we have a future together. Not right now of course… but in the future once I have my life back together and once I am back on track with my dreams and goals. Once I am back t being me again. Of course I’ll be different by then, but I see Jax a lot and it always feels right. So Im focusing on Number 1 right now -me- and it’s not easy.
Love, Sasha xoxoxo