31 07 2009

Starting today I am going to change the direction of my writing a bit.  Of course I’ll still write about living with Lupus, RA, Chronic Pancreatitis, and now Diabetes Type 2, but I am in a unique situation right now so I am going to write more diary style from this point forward for awhile.  The reason?  Ahhhhh… And so it begins.

One week ago I started my first day as a partial hospitalization patient of a mental health program to treat my severe depression, to get my diseases to a more manageable level, and to deal with possibly the root of it all  – PTSD: Post-traumatic stress disorder.  It wasn’t until the 1980’s that doctors begin to realize that soldiers returning from battle suffered the same symptoms as individuals who had undergone unspeakable horrors at home.   It was actually a bit of a fluke in a study they were doing that eventually led them to that conclusion.  It’s unclear if my health problems would even exist if it weren’t for my PTSD.  Once on a visit to my beloved GI Dr., he sat me down and pulled out his bag of tricks.  Somehow he had found out that I was a survivor of words I can’t even bear to write.  I later realized it was from the computer system of the medical system where my gynecologist worked.  She had been the only Dr I’d ever shared the information with – and even then I only shared the highlights of my story so that I would be more comfortable with sharing.

So now I start a new chapter of my life.  Writing more from my heart than ever before.  Good timing since my cat ran off tonight and I’m not quite sure when he’s coming back.  The only reason that matters is because he’s been my grounding tool and my fun inside my house – but he took off and I could hear his cries but have no idea where he is.  Anyhow – I can sure digress.  Tomorrow marks my 2nd Friday in the program.  So far, my doc has tried to find a sleeping med that works.  none found.  Either they are too damn strong or too darn weak.  I’ve tried Geodon and some other for nightmares also used for High Blood Pressure.  I’m going to go to the program in a fe hours and I haven’t slept a wink!  But that’s partially due to the Geodon for working until 6:30pm today.  I’m a total mess.

Plus I keep seeing the same haunting memories now over and over again.  Every time I close my eyes I see them – and I re-live the emotions.  This must be because the program has brought up so many things.  I’ve also started cutting again.  This is awful I’m sure – but I can’t seem to stop.  I haven’t cut for a few days only because the older cuts are so bad already.  I NEVER thought my life would revert to being this much of a mess.  I certainly thought I was in better shape than I am mentally.  The truth is that having this many diseases has totally freaked me out.  How in the world do I manage them all? Where do I even start to unravel the mess it’s all made?

At this moment it doesnt feel like I’ll ever be able to change enough to get this licked.  Everything seems dark and cloudy.  When I walk I don’t even feel like I am on the ground – it feels like I have vertigo from flying too high.  I’m terrified to dredge up even more issues I have including stuff about Jax.  Why did he leave me? He had told me he loved me forever – why then did he leave? I was just starting to feel better physically just before he left.  He was my caregiver, but I begged him to see me as his girlfriend again.  Even though he moved an apartment away I feel like there’s still some hope except on bad days – then I feel like he’ll never move back in – he’ll never want to be back together.  He’d want to save face to his buddies and co-workers or something like that.  But on good days I say – he makes sure I’ up every morning.  We go to brunch most Sundays.  We do lots of stuff together beyond sharing the car.  He stops over and tells me work stories and tales about his buddies.  He shares almost everything with me except about other women.  I’m so angry that my diseases are what made him leave me.  He loves me – – but I’m truly afraid there might not be even an ounce of hope. Then again, on good days when I can see correctly there are mounds and mounds of hope.

xoxoxo Love Sasha!




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