7 08 2009

I found this in my drafts folder and it’s amazing how depressed I was only a few weeks ago.  The program I am now in is really helping me get through this depression.  Even though I’m not in this head space now – I think it’s important to reflect on what a bad place I was in:  So I have RA. I hate it.  I have Lupus.  I hate it.  I have Chronic Pancreatitis  I hate it.  I have Diabetes Type 2 and I don’t even care.  Why?  Because it is truly the least of my problems – even knowing that for many people it is a major issue for them.  For me it is just a drop in the bucket.

I hate myself this week.  I hate that I’ve lost everything because of chronic diseases (or at least it feels that way).  I’m trying to get my life back on the right tracks, but I feel so depressed lately that I can barely motivate myself to do anything.  I’m losing work – of that I am certain.  I’ve lost my business, my true love (Jax – you can read more on this in the About section).  I’ve lost so much I don’t even remember all that I’ve lost.  My legs are always swollen and I just can’t seem to find that “happy place”.  I used to have it.  I used to be in it.

I started taking a new medication this past week and it made me so groggy I must’ve snoozed momentailry at a red light and accidentally tapped the car in front of me.  Only it is more like a car accident than a tap considering the cost of the damage.

My hands hurt too much to keep typing… but I wish I could keep telling you about how shit things seem right now.  I’ve lost my sunshine and I don’t know how to get it back.  I did start a prgram this past week for dealing with my depression.  I NEVER had deep depression until these diseases wreaked havoc on me and my life. Well, that and the issues from my childhood.  UGH!!! There is far too much to deal with and unravel about my life.  Why can’t I just write it down on paper and get the fuck over it??? I want to! I certainly don’t want to sit here and bitch about it!!

How can I get ME back??

Love Sasha xoxo

PS – Join me on Twitter: @typeawithra
• Also Join me on IllnessTwitters • And on Meetup
• Come to the Hollywood/Los Angeles Chronic Pain Support Groups next  Meetup: September 13th @6:30pm



2 responses

20 07 2011

hello sasha,
i too have lost everything to chronic pancreatitis and major depression as well as severe anxiety and panic attacks. if theres anyone on this earth that can understand what your going through it’s me. i was diagnosed with cp in 2001 and i still suffer, the doctors try to play their little games with me but i refuse to give up and give them the satisfaction. i’m not sure if you still check this blog so i’m gonna keep it short here, it’s 5am and i only slept 2 hours before the stomach and back pain woke me up @ 2am, and then like a sign from god i found your blog, just when i thought i was completely alone in this world and wondered, as i often do if it’s even worth it to continue on with this pitiful life, if your still checking this blog please write me back and i can explain my nightmare to you and maybe you can explain yours to me, i am 32 years old but i feel 50-60, sometimes i feel 80-90. i am from springfield massachusetts. i hope to hear from you my friend, i suffer with you, maybe we can help comfort each other because for me it’s just very difficult getting through all these long nights without anyone to relate to and totally isolated, i hope i can help you, that will give me some comfort and make me feel like at least i still have some purpose in this evil world, my email is , hope to hear from you my friend… your friend in pain and frustrating misery, chris

8 08 2009

So far I haven’t lost anything worthy of mention to chronic pain; it hasn’t even been a year since it started. I do fear it – and being somewhat gloomy by nature I can certainly see it in the not too distant future if things continue as they are. I do miss the happier version of me, and so do my friends. How do I get that version of me back? Acceptance of my situation helps, even if I rarely allow myself the time to just be ill. Time helps, when my medications change they might not have the exact same chemical effects as before. Since the medications I am on replace a lot of my body’s normal biochemical and neurochemical functions it takes a while for my body or the new drug to work properly – usually this takes weeks. Time also helps because no depression I have ever had has lasted, no matter how deep (bottomless), no matter how dark (black is a cheerful color, dammit), no matter how long (years). Depression never lasts forever – that’s just a fact. Knowing that won’t get rid of depression, it just makes it easier for me to bear and find something else to do until things change. And so far, things have always changed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: