9 08 2009

So from time to time you may notice I mention my ex Jax quite a bit.  That’s partially because he’s my neighbor one apartment down (where he moved when he split up with me), also partially because I’m still in love with him, also partially because he’s a huge part of my life.  BUT I want you to know I think about a lot of things and Jax is only a sliver of that time…okay – maybe a large chunk but…  He’s been incredibly supportive of me through this entire illness and now that I’m in the mental health program he’s invested a large amount of time making sure I’m good.  Luckily though I do have other people in my life….but not very many any more (okay – in LA maybe 3 total).  Almost all my former acquaintances ran off when it became obvious I wasn’t going to get better right away.

There’s a saying that I even heard yesterday that people give to a mental health patient meaning the best ,”you have a mental illness…and you may feel all alone, but if you had a physical illness people would be there for you so there’s no reason not to expect the same”.  It infuriates me because it isn’t even true.  Most everyone disappears.  It’s so mentally painful. 

Right now I need friends so badly.  It’s…Friday night and I’m alone again but I tried so hard to make plans. Essentially, for the past 6 years I NEVER had energy to do anything – but now that my diseases are being properly managed I finally have that ability.  Plus I’m off of the cane for right now (from severe RA) so I don’t look totally handicapped (er…uh.. physically challenged) anymore.  I’ve tried making plans but it seems I am low priority with people these days.  If they start with Saturday night plans it quickly gets they quickly change it to Sunday lunch.  In fact, I have so many Sunday lunch invites I am overwhelmed –  – and not a one will budge by spending Friday, Saturday, Tuesday, or even Wednesday. I just want friends again who aren’t afraid they’ll catch what I”ve got.  The downside of plans is that I never now when I ned to cancel if my Lupus or RA or other stuff is flaring.  I dread canceling but it happens about 70% of the time.

(Right after writing this Jax txted me and came over.  We sat out back and told stories and laughed until midnight. On his way out I had picked up me cat and we both snuggled the cat simultaneously.  I could feel the sexual energy between us (not sure if i imagined it).  After he left I had a gush of emotions and felt cozy and warm.   Despite my meds side effects, my sex drive shot up past 88mph.  For the first time in ages I could imagine us back together n’ making out.  I can still picture it.                                                

 Tomorrow AM we’re going to one of those fake skydiving/windtunnels for an adventure.  Jax’s invited some work folks which he’s kept me away from since our split.  I know I need different friends of my own – and to not always rely on Jax but am sincerely happy to spend time with him.  I need to remember to touch his arm a bit or his back or neck, etc.  You know, remind him how sexy things with us can be.  Anyhow, I did meet up with 2 acquaintances this weekend so far, but I’ll have to try to make more friends a different day. 

Im trying so hard to put my life back together.  

love Sasha xoxoxo




One response

13 08 2009

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