29 01 2010

All day I am fighting this intense exhaustion.  All night I struggle falling asleep.  The sky is overcast with a brilliant orange glow.  I want to go next door and climb into Jax’s bed.  I could always claim that I was sleepwalking.  The LA night is restless.,  Helicopters, police sirens, and food in the fridge are screaming at me.  I’ve been off of Enbrel for 2 months.  It’s been insane to feel my disease crawl back through my veins, my joints, my blood.  My feet hurt in ways I didn’t know was possible.

Originally, I got off Enbrel to find out if it was the culprit in m sleepwalking.  That turned into forgetting to re-order it which evolved into delivery to the wrong address.  Now, the full-blown effects of RA are coursing through my body.  The Methotrexate does little to nothing it seems.  Every morning now I can feel the effects of RA wearing my joints down, wearing me down, eating away at my life.

What a horrific disease.  When it is contained, I forget how badly it was destroying me before.  For 3-4 hours every morning I can’t move, think or function.  I’ve never felt the exhaustion of life so vividly.  And I will say again how absurd the name is.  The word arthritis conjures up some lame issue very old people have with their joints.  If I were in charge of “things” the first thing I’d do is give RA a proper name.  One that brings to mind utter untreatable agon and helplessness.  Now I have forgotten how long it takes to feel the beneficial effects of Enbrel.  I think it’s about one month.  I can’t wait. If I wasn’t a freelancer then I would’ve lost my job because of the disease’s evil nature.

Jax and I have a cuppa tea almost every night. He’s very kind that I limp a lot and is always helpful.  Time will tell if Jax changes his mind about us getting back together, but each day I feel it slipping farther away.  Time creates more time.  I hate when people say “at least you have our health”.  I don’t!!!!  I don’t have it in any way.

love sasha xoxoxo



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