INSOMNIA AND JAX

27 10 2009

It;s no shocker that I have insomnia.  My doctor has actually given up on me.  I am going to confront him tomorrow about this issue.  Just because I have 4 chronic diseases is no reason to tell me that “some people just have to live with it and find alternate times to sleep”.  Bullshit!  I don’t believe that’s the truth!  I think he’s just totally given up on me.  I’ve tried so many different types of sleeping meds but after 2 car accidents I am very concerned.  The Dr’s said that the meds I already take for my health problems (mainly chronic pancreatitis) are conflicting with the sleep meds.  So does that mean we should throw the towel in and give up???  I have been sleepwalking for just over a year now and find it all so odd. Is it due to any of my medications?? enbrel? my intrathecal pump?

I am so tired of doctors that give up on patients that confuse them.  I’ve never said anything odd or strange in any of our appointments.  He’s luckily convinced that I am not bi-polar.  He IS convinced that I have sever PTSD – post-traumatic stress disorder from a very unlucky childhood/adulthood  that has been riddled with violence from other family members.  It’s so easy for the Dr’s to say that this is the cause of all of my health problems.  BUT this doesn’t solve anything.  In fact, it perpetuates the saga of not getting proper treatment. Plus I have no clue what to eat now that I’ve got CP AND diabetes.  Is there a list of foods to eat and to stay away from if you have BOTH of those diseases?  WHY is my body falling apart??

I’m so frustrated today and know that I’ve got to have my game-face on tomorrow.  Wish me luck!  BTW I’ve had a few emails from you readers out there that are going through a similar journey with multiple-chronic health issues and insomnia.  It is nice to know I am not alone  –  but the truth is that right now in my chair outside on the patio getting bitten by mosquitos – I am all alone.   I have to solve this issue almost alone.  (My Jax has offered to help if I need to call him in the middle of the meeting).

 

So one last note here- this one is about Jax, who is currently my ex-boyfriend – *sigh*.  Last weekend he told me that he doesn’t think we will ever get back together because he can never go through the trauma of my health issues the way he did when we were together.  BUT now he lives one apartment away and he sees the full picture now.  For some reason he thinks there is some secret pain that I expose when i am on my own.  There’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise except to live my life to its fullest.  I want to become that old me again – that thin awesome go-getting me.  I am close to the go-getting me again – once I decided to live again and stopped begging to die.  I re-started my business and re-hired a new assistant last month.  I brought on interns and am kicking some serious ass.  BUT I am exhausted and have no time for anything again.  I can hardly keep up with the things that are urgent.  I’m massively behind on most everything.  I haven’t eve started on getting my SSI/SSDI paperwork together. UGH!! But back to Jax – –

 

Yes, a year has gone by since he split up with me and I am still in love with him.  We do so much together I don’t know how I wouldn’t be.  He’s on my team and in my court.  he still goes to critical Dr appointments with me.  I am moving on… but since I don’t know if I’ll live long or short – what should I do?? Give up and find another wonderful mate? Some say I should… others think it is better to continue loving the one mate that has always been there for me – and the hope is that he’ll eventually come around.  I’ll just say that it’s not looking good right now.  Jax seems pretty certain we won’t ever be a couple again.  I just said “your loss”!  And I mean it too.  He’s worried that I am too fragile.  Too fragile!!!! Not even close!  Think about all of the hardcore energy I’ve had to maintain in order to get my career back on its  feet again.   So I’ll focus there- on my career for the time being and hope I live long enough to see how this all plays out.

Love, Sasha  xoxoxox  Gonna try to sleep.





DATING – BACK IN THE SADDLE

28 02 2009

Brief background for any new readers: Info about me (sasha) and my life is in the “About” page so you can catch up on me there.  Feel free to comment on your life and your issues.  The readers of this blog are creating a community and many have their own blogs that I have created links to on the right.  Check them out and feel free to tell me your favorite ones.  I thought we’d do a little top 5 blog links contest for the next 30 days.

Jax left around 6 months ago, but lives an apartment away.  He’s not willing to say we are never going to be together again.  I’ve tried in numerous ways to move on but over the next 6 weeks I am forcing the issue by having a JAX BLACK OUT starting this Monday.  (Why this Monday?   –  because he helps me do my laundry and I’m not mentally prepared to do that on my own yet.)  Also, if there’s an emergency like there was last time I tried this a few months back then we are allowed to communicate temporarily.

The great thing about dating with a chronic disease is that this issue applies to everyone with a chronic illness, not just a specific type of illness.  Many of us have been through the true love in our life that has left after 4-5 years.  That’s certainly my situation w/ Jax.  So in an effort to move on I signed up with a few online sites and started forcing myself to go out to events again.  At first I pushed it too hard.  I was going out so much that I ended up crashing back against a 3-4 month wall (that’s why I was offline for quite some time).  Now I think I have a better balance and am saying home more than I want, but at least nit making myself worse.  I also asked the advice of friends about whether to mention my illness straight away or to keep quiet.

(Read on for more on DATING w/ a CHRONIC DISEASE, Dating Print-Outs, and Bad Kissers need not Apply)—> Read the rest of this entry »