10 10 2008

I started sleepwalking the same week I started on Enbrel. I’ve never been a sleepwalker before. My brother once sleepwalked straight out the door one night as a boy. Not sure where he went, but later that night my pop locked the door and an hour later heard the doorbell when they opened it they couldn’t believe it was johnjohn.

At first it was a simple case of falling asleep in the bathroom on the loo. Then it turned into full blown sleepwalking around the house, eating cereal, and going outside.

I also have had a bizarre habit of finding myself in the most distressing positions when I wake up. My legs straight in the air, my legs crossed but up, and the most common – sitting straight up on the edge of the bed.

Maybe that’s why Jax had to break up (chuckle-chuckle). I’m not on any sleeping pills so really there’s no reason for it.

It’s almost 5am so I’ll just say one last thing. Everyone thinks I should close the door on jAx for now and not talk with him. I don’t think I can do that-particularly after everything he’s given me. Standing by me for four years when I was next to death is something that very few people can understand. He cried literally when I suggested it. My therapist said “you’re not friends!”. But we sure feel like best friends. Whether we’re together or not – we feel like best friends do.

I can’t shut off communication with a human being that did right by me for so long just because my heart is bruised. So yes, he’s having to see the pain it’s causing me to be apart. That’s a real man if you ask me.

There are no right answers here. The only right one is the one in my heart and I can’t walk away now.

Love Sasha xoxoxo



4 10 2008

Dear anyone who reads this,

I wish I was on my computer rather than my dang phone so I could link to the wonderful reader comment of Leslie. She reminded me that having a chronic disease forces all of us to see our life differently regardless of our age. Since we become worried that we’ll even be alive in 5 years, we all put intense pressure on ourselves to have life all sorted out (kids, marraige, will, belongings, place in this world). It doesn’t matter what your age is to wonder what will become of us?

I saw our (Jax and mine) couples therapist today. After filling her in on how Jax split up with me she offered the advice to cut off all contact with him and move on. She said if he was going to come back that forcing him out of my life now was a requirement.

But I can’t imagine slamming the door on the man that selflessly took care of me for 3 years. I understand we might never be together again, and although it crushes me, I have a whole life of my own with friends and work. I’ve been accepting every evite invitation and have been forcing myself to go out even if I want to stay home and sleep. I was good at being single before Jax and before these diseases took center stage.

The therapist suggested I cut off having dinners with Jax and to stop sharing the car. I just can’t do that. I’ve stayed friends with most of my exes and I plan on doing the same here with Jax. Truth is I think it’s a bigger and better challenge to remain friends with dinner sometimes and continuing to share the car.

I’m not ready to date yet. I’ll have to get to the stage where in 100% convinced jax is never coming back. I’m nowhere close to that stage yet. I can see the wisdom in cutting it off right now, but I’m simply still hoping Jax changes his mind.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think he’ll change his mind for a while. At least a few months if that (but most likely I’ll just have to totally move on).. And if we slowly part rather than immeditely what’s the harm? It allows me the mental ability to get accustomed to being alone without it being 100% of the time right away.

I still need to figure out what to do with the company we shared together. That’ll be hard.

I also called in to a radio show tonight. It was some doctor shapiro talking about how sex has been affected by health. I weeped about Jax to him. Jax had real intimacy issues with me due to my health. I’m thinking this might be the same issue with anyone new. I’m thinking no man or human will be able to deal with my health issues. Of course I can’t be certain, but that’s my fearful gut telling me so.

The radio doctor also offered to help me find affordable therapy. Money’s such an issue right now so that will be huge!

Time for bed. It feels so strange to be alone. Welcome to the single life!
Love Sasha, xoxoxox