10 10 2008

I started sleepwalking the same week I started on Enbrel. I’ve never been a sleepwalker before. My brother once sleepwalked straight out the door one night as a boy. Not sure where he went, but later that night my pop locked the door and an hour later heard the doorbell when they opened it they couldn’t believe it was johnjohn.

At first it was a simple case of falling asleep in the bathroom on the loo. Then it turned into full blown sleepwalking around the house, eating cereal, and going outside.

I also have had a bizarre habit of finding myself in the most distressing positions when I wake up. My legs straight in the air, my legs crossed but up, and the most common – sitting straight up on the edge of the bed.

Maybe that’s why Jax had to break up (chuckle-chuckle). I’m not on any sleeping pills so really there’s no reason for it.

It’s almost 5am so I’ll just say one last thing. Everyone thinks I should close the door on jAx for now and not talk with him. I don’t think I can do that-particularly after everything he’s given me. Standing by me for four years when I was next to death is something that very few people can understand. He cried literally when I suggested it. My therapist said “you’re not friends!”. But we sure feel like best friends. Whether we’re together or not – we feel like best friends do.

I can’t shut off communication with a human being that did right by me for so long just because my heart is bruised. So yes, he’s having to see the pain it’s causing me to be apart. That’s a real man if you ask me.

There are no right answers here. The only right one is the one in my heart and I can’t walk away now.

Love Sasha xoxoxo