Let the Pain Pass

I just returned from a long trip to Texas.  It was partially work and partially down time to help my folks who just moved in from a far away place.  My mom said she could see the evil pattern of pain very clearly.  She noticed that when I’m in pain I am cranky and on a short-leash.  She said it was amazing to see how the medicine affected my overall self so dramatically.  She said it was like watching someone entering the ER Room in pain (she’s a nurse) and then within an hour seeing them return to themself again.  I sincerely hope it’s not like seeing me get high or something creepy like that.  I never ever drink even a drop so I guess she can’t compare it to being drunk… (well, but I did a lot of that from 9-19 yrs. old)

It’s been so wonderful to see Jax again after so long.  I missed Jax so much and got so depressed when I returned home and my body caved in and needed the sleep.  in fact, because I can be a total idiot – I only brought enough medication for the original trip.  I was forced to extend my trip so that i wouldnt’ get sick… but post facto realized that I didn’t have enough medicine.  It was the weekend so not possible to fedex.  in the end i went without Synthroid for four days and Cymbalta for 3 days.  Cymbalta always makes me feel loopy and crazy if I forget even 1 dose.  It gives me those odd body jerks and brain freezes when I skip 2 doses.. so you might imagine by day 3…. So I slept this past 3 days.  i couldn’t help it even though I am desperate to get new clients.  I knew I was shooting myself in the foot.   Also, Jax and I missed couples therapy this week as a result.

I have a HUGE project coming up at the end of July-mid August.  I am nowhere near ready yet.  I do feel like I am getting stronger and better everyday.  I’ve finally lost weight thanks to the Synthroid – and I can see that with more exercise I will go even lower.   The project could bust my balls to the point of death – but it is so important and I need to finish it.

I feel like I am in between two lives right now.  The one I used to be and can still sometimes cling to – and the other  – this new person who has to let it go when I sleep for four days straight, or keel over in pain from a pancreatic attack then pace around a friends house for an hour until the medicine works.  But it also seems like there is a third life bubbling to the surface.  This is the one I am the least familiar with.  This side of me eats only healthy foods, exercises, fixates on healthy choices, and battles my health insurance company.  This is the new side of me that wants a baby and wants to live for many years.  The other two parts of me are too tired and in too much pain to go on.

The  last thing I’ll mention is that Jax seems very distant.  He is always so good to me and even more so since I’ve been home, but he said that i look like I don’t know where i am.  When he said it – it was very true.  The clash of medicines and pain in my body had truly disoriented me.  Now i know exactly where I am – HOME.  the home that Jax and I have built with our love.  (as cheesy as you might think that sounds).

The trick is to always let the pain pass before saying anything important.

Love, Sasha xoxoxo

What’s In Common? Automimmune Diseases

I’ve noticed a ton of readers to this site have common auto-immune diseases.  i wish modern medicine wasn’t in the dark ages!!!  I mean, what is in common with IC, CP, RA, and hypothyroid?  If I were a doctor i would certainly look into it!  Blimey!  There’s enough of us out there that all have more than 1-2 autoimmune diseases!

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing a book similar to this blog about my journey through the pain.  Do you think it’d be a good use of my time?   I’d love to hear your thoughts about the parts of day to day life that are the hardest to get through.  (as a caretaker OR as the person with the disease).  As you might know, I hate the theory that the disease is a 3rd partner in the relationship.. it simply gives it too much power and a disease doesn’t deserve more than a nod.  (I say this of course after being taken down in my bed for the past 3 days).. but I hope you know what I mean – I piece of mind…  a state of mind.

So, as I may have mentioned a few posts earlier, I am working with some at-risk teenage kids this summer.
I’m looking high and low for donations to pay for the gas needed to get them to the classrooms.  Also, the food to feed them during breaks.  If you could spare $5, $10, $25, $50 or even $100 for the girls they will be so deeply grateful.  Visit my donations page to get more info.

Also, one reader asked how to read this blog chronologically and how to know when they were written.  Best thing to do is go to the Chronological page.  The items are chronological there.  Also, the calendar on the right starts January 2007 and you can read by date from there.  Additionally, the date of each post is listed just below the Blog’s title.  Hope that helps.    Love, Sasha x0x0x0