REBUILDING YOUR LIFE

Hi All!  I am bright and cheery today (which if you’ve read ANY of my posts in the last 6 months you’ll know how very rare this is indeed)! It’s the fourth of July, but certainly not what I’m going to write about.  I’m not going to write about Iran or politics or religion.   I’m not even going to write about spirituality or marijuana use for pain – nope – not me.  I’m using today’s blog post to talk about suiting up and getting your game on – - Get out there and play life — Damn It!  

As any and all of you out there with a chronic pain issue OR with loved one in that situation know well our lives all get eaten away slowly but surely by this monster or demon called disease.  Whether it’s a known disease or not – it’s ripping the life force directly out of us – ALL OF US.  I definitely am counting the caretakers in this big bowl also because chronic pain chips away at our tolerance for other things and we start to see life very differently than our peers.  Before you know it 5 years has gone by and what do we have  to show for it other than more pain or worry wrinkles?  Well… I wish i could let you whine and moan about how life is being ripped out from under you BUT that’s not what this post is about – it’s about the exact opposite.  

HOW TO REBUILD YOUR LIFE – IN OR OUT OF PAIN (no matter how excruciating)

I have finally come to understand a few things about dealing with my illness and myself.  Whether you have RA, Lupus, Chronic Pancreatitis and Diabetes ( i have all of those) or some other set of diseases, these are some things i’ve recently come to realize.  I can’t continue to watch my life slip away like this.  Even though I’ve become highly functioning again (nowhere near where I once was) I need to keep a few rules in mind.  I so badly wish i did this the entire time I was so ill rather than waiting 6 years into it.  What a huge mistake.  Now, I’m having to pretend I just moved to Los Angeles in order to cope with the loneliness better.   FIRST RULE:  I MUST CALL… As much as I don’t want to call a single soul, I must at least TRY.  I promise to call at least 3 phone #’s on my call list.  This goes as a rule EVEN if I’m in bed the whole day unable to get up (there are plenty of those).  This should be split up between doctors, insurance company (or business-type call), and one friend.  IF I had done this all along I would not have to be in so much agony over the pathetic stacks of paperwork I still have left to complete.  SECOND RULE: “I’M TOO SICK” IS NO LONGER A VALID EXCUSE.  This means that I must find a way to do the bare minimum of 15-20 minutes of email every day.  It’s horrific to wake up one day and realize your credibility’s in question because you never reply to anyone.  If I need to find a way to hire a helper for ten hours a week – then I need to find a way to do that.  If you pay them $10/hour (more than minimum wage) that’s only $100 a week!  I will find a way to do this from now on.  My life is worth enough to not give up on it.  THIRD RULE: My caretaker is not “my bitch”.  I should try to rely on myself for every single thing possible.  I should evaluate ALL things my caretaker does for me and try my very best to take over some of the responsibilities again myself.   The BIGGEST mistake I made when Jax still lived with me is that I relied on him to wake me up, to remind me to take my medicine, and to remind me to get off the computer (STOP working) and eat.  I was a diehard workaholic because it helped me NOT think about the pain.  Jax never resented me for these, but it was all of this small stuff that ate away at HIS independence.  He needed to be free of me when he was out of the house and in it honestly..but I thought that if I gave him little things to help me with that it was beneficial in some way.  IT WASN’T.  Jax was and IS amazing  - but I’m an adult and even if I’m really sick I can wake myself up to an alarm clock.  Jax had enough to worry about.  

There are so many more items like these.  Perhaps if I’m in the mood down the line I’ll continue to write more of these.  Essentially, I let myself kick and scream a little too much (in my own sound opinion) and therefore I lost so many “friends” in the process.  I kept thinking that I simply didn’t have the energy for it.  And perhaps I only think it’s possible now that I’m functioning again…but I do think I could’ve made more effort even FROM bed instead of totally tuning out.  Now, I’m having to try so much harder to make new friends because I rarely have enough stamina to work a day AND go out socially that evening….  I know all of this is really easy to say I’ll do – and it’s an entirely different matter to actually  do it.  

BUT, simply put I wish I had my old life back.

I was very successful, had a full house of friends, had a “life” outside my back porch and I was full of energy and life – some call it zest. I can recall the zest from time to time but nothing like I used to do.  Now it takes energy to just get my work done each day – much less have the energy to go out or see a movie.  I lost so many “friends” that now loneliness greets me like an old blanket.  It’s awful.

More chipper days to come (so they say).
love, Sasha xoxoxo

WHAT-I’M NOT DEAD YET?

Some days the severe pain creeps up on me when I’m working or out and about.  I have a handy-dandy remote control unit that goes with my pump for chronic pancreatitis. It’s a lot like the controller you’d get in the hospital to give yourself a dose of morphine.  The great thing is that the remote & pump delivers such a tiny amount but it’s highly localized to give the medication just to my pancreas and nowhere else (liver, brain, memory, etc.).  If the remote is making a big enough dent then I take the regular type of meds – in this case percoset and levorphenol.  I’m only allowed 2 percosets a day so I have to be frugal and watchful of my intake. But enough about the medical side of my life – let’s get into what I am really writing about.

I truly can’t believe that with all of my close calls in the ER that I am still here.  It seems astonishing to me.  But on bad days when the pain is out of control and I’m feeling tired and grumpy I feel like such a burden to those around me.

Although I’ve gotten my pain mostly under control (which is a miracle in itself) I still haven’t gotten my life back together.  I feel like such a drain on those that love me.  I rarely want to talk on the phone and even more rare to feel like I can conquer my stacks of paperwork or email.  I simply don’t have the energy.  Between fighting off the RA symptoms and pancreatitis pain, I simply don’t have the energy to make new friends and go out to new events.  I know the events are there for me to attend  – but I can’t get the stamina I need to leave work and attend a function.  And since Jax split up with me I haven’t had a chance to make new friends.  It’s awful and i feel so damn lonely.  I curse my health issues and scream inside my head at god.  Lately I’ve been thinking how funny it is that we often pretend that if god was walking here among us that he/she would be a homeless street man.  If god has any wits he/she’d be living it up as a billionaire.

I’m on the wait list to start the outpatient day group for depression and anxiety.  I really need some new skills/tools on how to live my life in this scaled down way.  I find I get angry to quickly when someone cancels plans on me.  I simply don’t know how to live in this scaled down way.  I used to be able to get so much done in a day  – now I am lucky if I accomplish one single thing.  Plus, now I can’t seem to stay asleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I messes me all up  – but it is usually the pin that wakes me up.

So the mental health hospital program is supposed to arm me with tools to get by a bit easier. As some of my readers know, I’ve been battling with severe depression for almost a year now.  It’s odd because I’ve gotten my pain mostly under some sort of control, but I simply can’t function correctly right now and every bit of sad news or new diagnosis sends me off the deep end to think about being gone/dead. If I’m not careful I find myself cutting into my own skin (when i was a teenager i used to be a “cutter” so it’s bringing up some old garbage in my mind).  It’s a release of sorts and sends the pain signal to a different part of my body so I get a little break, albeit a disturbing one.

Apparently, it’s not that ucommon to have these issues now that I’ve gotten my pain to a more liveable level.  So i’m certainly not alone…but I don’t get why…. I mean- if  was able to conquer that type of brutal pain – why is it only now that I don’t have the right coping tools? Mainly I feel lonely because I was bedridden essentially for so long that I lost most of my friends/acquaintances.    IT’S SO UPSETTING/sad that I just can’t seem to get through it.

I have made lists of new events and workshops I’d like to go to – but the reality is that it is not very easy for me to go – often I am not well enough.  The times i have broken through the anguish part of it and gone  -  I’ve ended up at the event stuck in the bathroom in an all-out-battle with my bowels.  (I still have a lot of bathrooom issues due to the meds that I take.  I totally accept that this is my life now – so it really is okay with me.  But sometimes I just have a real hard time actually dealing with it.

Love Sasha. xoxoxo

PAIN PUMP PLEASE

LETTER FROM A READER ABOUT THE PAIN MEDICINE PUMP FOR CHRONIC PANCREATITIS:

Hi,

My wife is currently living with Chronic Pancreatits and has asked her dr. about a pump, but he seems resistant. What did you have to do to get one? From your searching, is there anything that you could suggest that she needs to do to get it quicker? (btw, does this pump the medicine directly into the pancreas; near it?)

Thanks,
Glenn

Submitted on 2009/06/29 at 11:34pm

Dear Glenn,

I’m so sorry to hear about your wife’s CP!! I am sure many people are curious to know the great questions you’ve asked! First, the intrathecal pump was surgically “installed” by my pain management doctor. He had to try less invasive things first such as a celiac nerve block using an injection of botox to numb the area. It worked a tiny bit (although I didn’t think so at the time – only upon reflection did I realize it had helped. Then he did a spinal stimulator next which is a electronic device that vibrates and the goal is to eliminate the pain by altering how your brain receives the signal. That didn’t work because it had to go to high to work which then caused my entire body to feel electrocuted at all times. Finally, after a year of intensive psychotherapy that my Dr required I do before installing the pump, I was taken into a brief surgery. The Dr. puts the Medronics-brand pump in your abdominal region on either the right or left side. My torso is super short so my pump hits my bottom rib and my top hip. It can be uncomfortable at times but NOTHING like pancreatic pain.

The intrathecal pump then has a catheter that goes out and up the open area of my spinal cord and stops right at my pancreas area. He gave me an extra long catheter in case i can have kids – although that is basically out of the question now. Anyhow, The pump delivers a numbing medication Bupivicaine (spelling bad I am sure) and the Fentyl and Morphine. It puts out tiny micorgrams of the meds which is awesome so that it not only avoids my liver but my brain, as well.

HOW DID I ET MY Dr TO PUT THE PUMP IN? Well, first question I’d ask you is what doctor are you asking to put it in? If it is not a pain specialist than you’re bound to get a no. In fact, I was about to get a stomach tube put in which would’ve destroyed my life but my Internist protested and begged for the pump instead. Also, my psychologist told the pain Dr and my GI that if i got the stomach pump I would very likely kill myself. Next question I’d ask you what city you are seeing this Dr in. If it is in a smaller sized town or city that is not forward thinking then the reality is that they don’t really know anything about the pump. You might seek out a larger med center pain specialist like Houston, Seattle, LA, and possibly NYC. You can always seek out help outside your city because there are no rules when it comes to living in that type of awful pain.

I’ve had my pump over 2 years now and I couldn’t have lived this long without it. Also, I was already in bed 5 out of 7 days of the week and I was miserable. Now that trauma has been lifted from my life.

I hope this helped and thanks for writing.
love,
sasha xoxoxo

RECOVErY

Recovery – if I think of the word it is confusing.  That’s if I’m really analyzing it in great detail.  I refuse to be seen as a sick girl – no one would think it if they saw me in person.  But underneath a very sheer, thin layer I am not well.  Upon closer inspection you could see my scars.  A new thick short scar on my forehead from falling through the glass window while I was sleepwalking.  A long, thick scar running from my lower left rib to my pelvic region.  It’s lumpy and sets off metal detectors.  I refuse to go through the xray machine. I don’t want to chance any mishaps like leakage.  One accidental drip from my pump laying underneath the skin’s surface and I’d die instantly from morphine overdose.  I don’t usually obsess over dying from it – it’s made life virtually pain free compared to the long, hard years.  The next scar runs along my lower spinal cord.  It’s also lumpy.  There’s a piece of plastic sitting beneath the surface that bugs me from time to time.  I hope no man runs his hand sexily down my back.  What?  It could happen!  

 

The next 3 scars are a set.  I got them from a laparoscopic procedure to take out my gallbladder.  I’m temporarily reminded of the horrific pain post-surgery I had been in and the many near misses there were in order to stay at home rather than the hospital.  Next my arms -wow!  The right arm has a deep wide scar the length of my entire arm underside.  It goes from my elbow down to the start of my hand.  It’s bumpy, freckley and so long that you can’t help asking what it’s from.  The next one is petite and is a soft squishy scar cutting across my belly button.  It’s a goto spot for future surgeries.  

There’s so many more, but i’ll stop there.  Thee scars and lumps are what make it so obvious that I’m nt well.  A part of me wants to erase every single one while another part of me is seriously proud of them all.   Given the choice I’d keep  all of them except the ones running back and forth across my wrists.  

love Sasha xoxo

READER COMMENTS June09

Thanks to the readers of this site – I share your journey with you.  Many of you stumble on the site looking for answers to questions like how to get through another day under enormous pain from either Lupus, RA, or CP.  You can search the site for terms or keywords I use in any blog post simply by entering that word in the search bar on the midway-upper right.  Some of you want to know my own journey living with so many autoimmune diseases and I’m sure you’re hoping to find some key to unlock the mystery of how to get rid of the pain.  Some of you might be looking for solutions to get on SSI or other financial aid.  Hopefully you’ll find that this site offers some hope to you or your loved one.  I’m currently in the management phase of my pain control.  That alone is a miracle.  I finally have my pancreatitis at a liveable level thanks to my intrathecal pump.  I don’t mind having a big hunk of metal in my body – how could I mind something that has taken away that deathly pain?  I’m also lucky that I have world-class doctors here in Los Angeles.  I think i’d still be in all kinds of pain if I didn’t live in a major medical city.  If I didn’t live here then I think i would’ve found a way to travel here to at least get a great doctor several times a year.  Doctors outside of LA, NYC, and Houston tend to default to the response “you must be crazy” before bothering to find a reason.  

I;m in the midst of making peace with the fact that I will never be able to have a chid from my own body.  I’m 36 now and dread that reality – but it would simply be far too dangerous.  It’s so sad though… I never thought the option would be out of the question, but now it really is.  Even if a high risk obgyn said i could do it – I now know that Dr’s these days still dont see the whole body – - they just see their individual parts.  ..And that makes it even more dangerous.  

Many of our readers are curious about prednisone.  I’ve written a lot on this topic so definitely do a search to find al the posts on that topic.  One reader was curious if gifts work for doctor’s offices- YES  - absolutely.  I often give gifts at holiday times to the ones I see the most – but remember to give something fun and healthy because everyone gives sweets and it’s a real drag for them to get more.  

One reader wrote in about being so angst with pain that they felt suicidal.  If you read back over the past 6 months of my blog you’ll definitely read up on my experience with being severely depressed.  Just remember that life always changes – even if it seems impossible to you right now.  When i hit rock bottom recently I couldn’t fathom anything was going to change – but literally only one month later I’ve made new friends, started going to a new recovery group for people with depression & anxiety, and now I even have my datebook as filled up as I want it to be!  I never thought I’d get out of that depression and am amazed at how quickly everything changed.  

(READ ON FOR MORE READER QUESTIONS ANSWERED on RA & CP)

AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES GALORE (Part I)

Thank you to all of you wonderful readers out there who have sent the loveliest messages to me.  Encouraging words are  awesome, but knowing that behind each email, comment, or call that there’s someone who knows my physical and often my mental pain – that’s amazing.  As many of you would concur  - I would not wish the pain of RA, CP, or any pain of the heart on anyone.  

THE OVERVIEW

My heart and spirit are much lighter today then in many months.  Why the difference?  First, I was pulled off of Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant) and within 7 days my entire outlook felt brighter then it has since November (when I went on it).  I am glad i tried it out – I really did need to be on anti-depressants at the time… but I am shocked at how suicidal it eventually made me feel.  I broke all of the glass in my kitchen, cut up my arm really badly (on purpose), then cut up my legs and other arm when that didn’t seem to do the trick (not to die, but simply to cause myself that numbing pain that all cutters know so well).   It was a nightmare, but for the first time I see it was really a call for help.  I needed help so badly.  I was/am deeply lucky Jax (my ex-boyfriend and best friend) heard all the glass breaking because he came over and helped me clean up.  Then he called my parents and doctors.  Of course I feared he’d want to stay far as hell away from me after that but it’s had an odd effect I’ll write about in a minute.

So this is the state of things now:  I just got diagnosed with my 4th autoimmune disease: DIABETES!  I had pre-diabetes for the past year, but now it is full-blown diabetes.  This is the cause of my never-ending weight battle.  Now I’ll still have to work out 3-4 times a week, but at least I’ve begun moving the scale (and not just under the table).  So here’s my current autoiummune disease list: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Interstitial Cystitis, Hypothyroid, Diabetes 2 and then Chronic Pancreatitis. And I also have the tentative Lupus Dx sitting in the wings.  I always wonder if it all tied to Lupus.  Anyhow, the news did not shake me the way i would’ve thought.  Now I think it is all hysterical.  I mean, it’s literally gotten absurd.  (Read more about my personal life on this subject here)  I’m sure it’s all related in some way that modern medicine can’t decode. 

 

THE DEPRESSION/GETTING HELP

Now, about my severe depression.  I am feeling a lot better, but my Dr’s have told me it is very usual to fall into this trap AFTER the pain is finally under control.  

THE PERSONAL TOLL (Pt 2)

AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES GALORE (Part 2)

THE PERSONAL TOLL

THE CAREGIVER’S BROKEN ARMS.

 

Here’s my current autoiummune disease list: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Interstitial Cystitis, Hypothyroid, Diabetes 2 and then Chronic Pancreatitis. And I also have the tentative Lupus Dx sitting in the wings.  I always wonder if it all tied to Lupus.  Anyhow…I was just diagnosed with Diabetes. I’ll try the new meds and come up with a plan w/ my Dr. in about a month.

…the news did not shake me the way i would’ve thought.  Now I think it is all hysterical.  I mean, it’s literally gotten absurd.   I finally feel like this is all so much that I will prevail – I have to  - from where I stand now it can only go 2 ways: 1: UP (the only way it will go) and the other is death – which I have no control over anyhow – and it certainly is no way to live out the days i do have left on Earth…so I am choosing to now laugh in the face of adversity.  You know that great scene in Forest Gump when Lieutenant Dan is legless and sitting on to of the boat  during the hurricane?  That’s me – except for that I am now finally past the storm saying I won.  I know that might sound odd-  how could I feel like I won if I just found out I have another f–ed up disease – but, it’s because NONE of it has had the power to take me down.  NONE of it!  I’m stronger than all 5 chronic diseases and I’m sure if another one got added to the list i would find the strength to feel the same way.  

 

The disease (or rather these diseases) have already taken EVERYTHING away from me that I love and care about.  I am not even exaggerating…. My family couldn’t hold itself up through it, my own father has chosen to be angry at me for it,  my relatives find themselves in the dust simply saying “poor girl”, old friends disappeared, jobs vanished, my career and company fell off the map, and my true love imploded from the sheer stress of the lifestyle this disease gave me.  

JUST LIKE YOU

If you don’t already know me, my name is Sasha.  I have 2 confirmed chronic diseases and possibly Lupus although at the moment it’s been confirmed by some doctors and not by others.  I’ve finally gotten my pain somewhat under control and so now there are long stretches of time each day where  I’m living on the “other” side of constant pain.  It’s a miracle  of modern science.  But, the next things I want to tell you about will never overshadow the pain I was in.  If you live with chronic pain, please know that the following complaint is not meant to take away from what you are currently feeling.  There is nothing worse than chronic, constant, severe pain.  You lose your life and your being to it and you’re not in a place to do anything to fix it – no energy to do anything about it.  So I really do understand how nothing can really ever be as bad.  BUT I’m discovering that life just after chronic pain starts to subside also has its massive hurdles that equally make you feel out of the loop with life.

My chronic pancreatitis pain is starting to creep into the background of my mind as long as I stick to taking my medicines at the right time & also stick to a basic food plan.  But regarding RA, I’ve been off of Enbrel for a month now (by accident and certainly not on purpose) so that writing and typing is VERY painful so I have to keep this short.

I’m trying hard to get my life back together.  One thing that’s come up is the ROOT of where my anger came from and very possibly the root of where my diseases came from.  What I’m talking about is that now that the pain is mostly taken care of – now the reason for the pain is re-surfacing.  My therapist says that it is very normal in chronic pain patients.         You see, I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and also extreme violence.   My western doctors feel that this angush may have manifested as these diseases.  I don’t deny that this could be true.  So now that they’ve gotten my pain under control  I’m left with the reasons my body revolted.  I’ve not been very equipped to deal with it so I’ve reverted to old behaviors.  When I was 12-25 I used to cut myself to feel better – a bit of a release.  But now I am 36 and found myself cutting again.  Its an awful situation and totoally inappropriate for someone that has owned a compnay and had a number of employees.  I’m supposed to have my life together, right!!?!!

This has been a really tough time for me. I’ve been totally off-balance in my life lately.  I don’t know when to sleep, when to be awake.  It’s such a mess.  My doctors are all worried as are some relatives and close friends.  My docs have discussed joining a day program with therapists to try to help. I don’t know if my insurance will cover it.  I really need something intensive right now so I am okay with the idea of being checked into some place/facility.  I just want to feel whole again and to get better ASAP.  I never in a zillion years thought I’d wat to get checked into a mental facility.  But then again, I’ve never been this off balance before.

I can’t write anything else tonight except to say I’m going to hang in there and try to put structure back into my life.  But for the moment I am getting solid sleep and that’s so rare that I’m thrilled.      –love Sasha xoxoxox

PS:  For those of you that have been reading for quite some time I wanted to let you know that Jax has been extremely helpful through al of this.  He even swept my place up after I hit rock bottom by throwing every piece of glass in my kitchen.  He then called all my doctors and family to try to let them know what’s going on.  He’s been a ray of hope.  I know it means the likelihood that we’d ever get back together is even more slim, but not only is that not even important right now to me, but Jax knows me better than anyone and is one of the only people that could breakthrough my walls to help me.

BURDENS

Thankfully I’m over my beyond deep depression.  Now,  I’m still in a “space”but not like the other day.  I just got so tired of feeling like a total burden on my family and friends.  Well, er um that is the friends that I managed to still have.  And then at dinner with an old friend two days ago it all became clear.  He lost his dad a year ago unexpectedly and he felt very strongly that if y become dead suddenly then you become more of a burden for friends and family than you ever could imagine.  You’d end up taking the most selfish action against them that’s possible.  They’d end up having to clean up the wreckage you’d left for many eons to come.  So that crystallized staying alive for me.  

 

The other thing my friend did was remind me that LA is a terribly hard place to have friends with much time to share.  Most everyone here is trying to reach their next level.  They simply don’t have time to cultivate or manage a friendship that’s anything less than ideal.  So now I’m thinking about moving back to the city I call home (i moved around a lot so i don’t really have an official “home”).  

Well, that’s the scoop.  I hate having to dea lwith al of tis stuff.  I wish I knew the balance alreadu!

 Love Sasha  xoxoxo

PAIN’S HEAVY PRICE

SEVERE DEPRESSION-THE ALONE-NESS

It’s not the sort of thing that I like to admit is happening. It’s not the sort of thing anyone would want to admit.  It’s definitely not party conversation.  2 days ago my doctor talked to me about possibly putting me in the hospital  – not the regular hospital – but a facility…As in getting committed.  All I needed to say was one extra sentence or actually word- and I would be there right now.  All I needed to say was the truth…”Have you thought of harming yourself or others?”  How do you answer that question when I’ve even looked up possible locations to drive a car top speed into a concrete wall?  How do you answer that when you’ not only thought about it, but even gotten to the stage of trying to research if the airbags popping out would prevent me from being dead.       I don’t want to be dead, nor would i ever do this, but I’ve thought about it.

Pain comes with a heavy price.  Most people don’t understand long-term pain.  they always say stuff like “get better soon” or “i hope you’ll be feeling better the next time I see you” or they go on and on about their healer or raw foodie friend that cured their lupus completely simply by eating a raw food diet.  They seem to think I want to have a chronic disease.  They seem to think that it’s in my mind   – and that this is the reason for my physical pain.

The toll is much larger than just physical pain.  It’s much larger than absolute alienation from friends and family.  It’s alone-ness that I never could have imagined.    All of the hours I spend pretending to be normal are wasted hours.  All of the hours back and forth to the doctor is time rolled up and tossed away.  Most of all it’s the alone-ness I am left with.  Some of my friends started this journey with me and only last a week.  Others lasted several years, but now that I’m going into my 7th year of chronic pain I feel as if everyone has left.  Everyone is over it.  My doctor’s are there  – and that might be the only thing keeping me from completely breaking down.  Two of my doctors stepped out of their uniforms this week (figuratively speaking) and hugged me, grabbed my hand, felt my real pain from all of this.  It was the most human thing I’ve seen anyone do in such a long time.  it did change my mind about wanting to stay here.  they both urged me to remember that this depression is temporary.  It doesn’t feel temporary.  I feel like I’ve been here for a very long time.

I was thinking about the steps that led to my big crash into ultra-severe depression.  The main one was over the holiday when my own family couldn’t take it.  My own family left me.  We talk on the phone now, but I know when it gets really hot that they can’t handle it- and i’m the first to go.  My dad couldn’t take me being in pain and so instead of having sympathy for me he threw me out. , all because I had to work over the holiday while he felt I should be resting.  My brother disowned me because I was in so much pain after playing soccer with his soon and I complained about them having nothing I could eat for breakfast.  I thought a lot of people got grumpy at breakfast-but with my physical pain on top of it I’m a “complainer”.  And no one comes to my defense anymore.

I’m also now open game for rude and hideous comments.  An acquaintance I know took me to a concert last week but spent the whole time telling me how fat i’ve become.  I’m not actually fat at all in any city outside of Los Angeles.  I’m average after the prednisone, but not fat.  She went on ad on about how she would kill herself if she got as fat as me.  Naturally i will not ever spend another second with her, but the damage was already done.

The part that is still the hardest is that Jax left.  I’m getting over it – I can feel that – but I’m still not over it.  I don’t know if I ever will be.  Right now it doesn’t feel possible.  Mainly because it doesnt feel possible that anyone will ever like me again.  I am simply exhausted and can’t think of good things right now.  Facebook has brought some good old friends into my life which does give me hope that at least I might have friends in my future, but right now the ones I have in LA can’t be bothered to spend any time with me.  LA people tend to be overly selfish.  (Not the ones born and bred here btw – just the transplants).

I’m ready for good things to come into my life.  I am open to all good things coming into my life.  I invite all good things to come into my life.  In the moment my depression is in the passenger seat.  I just want to go to sleep on the couch again – I’m not into sleeping on the bed.  it has too many memories.

Love Sasha xoxo